internetpeople
The Meth Minute 39
Nite Fite
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“Exile on Meme Street”
My internet twist on the most raucous Rolling Stones album.
INTERNET PEOPLE: Sara Carlson
“…Fly, Fly, Fly!..”
Sara is an amazing woman. She sings like a sensual enchantress and dances like an erotic eel (and at some points, a chicken). In this video from a 1984 Italian TV variety show, she beckons the audience to fly with her to paradise. Meanwhile, tuxedoed regazzos pop-lock and crab-walk around the floor like her demented minions. Every so often the crowd applauds. Life is a game…
INTERNET PEOPLE: Ragetoons Guy
I honestly don’t know where this meme started or who started it. I’m not even sure what makes it so funny. But everytime it shows up on my Tumblr dashboard I read it and laugh. FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
INTERNET PEOPLE: South American Gnome
One of the most underreported news stories of 2009 was when a town in Argentina was “terrorized” by a gnome (or a dwarf with a traffic cone on his head). Even the New York Times dropped the ball on this, despite the proof existing right here on this video tape. It has to be real, because no fakers could have ever thought up the creepy way it walks sideways. That is just strange, and as we all know, truth is stranger than fiction.
INTERNET PEOPLE: Ottoman Humpers
Does furniture desire fornication? And if so, is it “vibing” other furniture items or does it have unrequited crushes on the humans who sit on it? In this Youtube classic, a posse of young human men have their way with an ottoman footstool. Whether this upholstered item was promiscuous, lucky, or simply a victim will forever remain a mystery. But we can all be sure of one thing: those guys really knew how to hump (… an ottoman.)
INTERNET PEOPLE: Keyboard Cat
The more you analyze the appeal of Keyboard Cat the less powerful he becomes. There’s not really much to say. It’s a cat playing a keyboard. If you are a human being, you will see the humor in that.
INTERNET PEOPLE: David After Dentist
“Is this real life?”
There’s nothing like your first existential experience. That first moment you step outside your material body and look at the world through the cosmic lens of an adjacent dimension and see your father watching you with his four eyes…laughing. And then it gets to be too much for your spirit and you ask yourself “Is this going to be forever?”
INTERNET PEOPLE: Speak The Hungarian Rapper
“Stop the war. I don’t want a war. Business. Yeeuh. Come on.”
One of my favorite Internet People songs comes from a bald goon named Speak who slowly walks the dreary hills of Hungary with his pale friends. Though he calls himself a rapper and gives a shot out to his “black brothers: Dre, Snoop, Puff, L, Tupac Shakur”, his vocal style would be more accurately referred to as talking.
In rudimentary English he repeats his pacifist plea again and again. You may laugh at the music, but you can’t deny the power of Speak’s naive sentiment because… well… we don’t want a war. It resonates more than any of Bob Dylan’s protest songs.
INTERNET PEOPLE: Top That!
“I’m hot… and you’re not”
It’s one of the most awkward freestyle battles ever caught on tape (along with the aforementioned Eli Porter) This scene from the 1989 film “Teen Witch” pits a hideously “funky” greaser against a magically-aided wallflower girl in a hip-hop lyrical duet just brimming with sexual tension. It’s probably been seen by more viewers on Youtube in the past 4 years than in all the years since the movie was first released. “30 Rock” even did a spoof of it.
PS: Is it just me or does my drawing there look totally 3-D?
INTERNET PEOPLE: Eli Porter
“I’m the best, man… I did it”
Eli Porter is one of the most unique MC’s on the hip hop scene today and this freestyle battle proves my point. Watch as he owns the “Iron Mic”; throwing his competitor’s sexuality into question by comparing him to “Rosie O’Donnell at a bisexual bridal shower” all the while stridently declaring himself “the best”. Watch out, Lil’ Wayne.
INTERNET PEOPLE: Australian Party Kid
“I’ll say sorry but I’m not taking off my glasses.”
You’ve gotta respect this kid’s nerve. He throws the biggest party in the history of Australia and then when they get him on the news to beg forgiveness to the neighbors, cops, and his parents… he shrugs it all off. In fact, he advertises his party-throwing services to any other teenager watching. Epic.
If you hate him, it indicates that you are no longer young.
INTERNET PEOPLE: Lil Showstoppa
“If You Wanna Bump, Let’s Go”
Sometimes a Youtube video comes along that represents an entire generation… or even a moment in human evolution. Lil Showstoppa is the harbinger of the next breed of American: aggressive, fearless, and nasally congested.
Maybe it was just the the lighting in the room or maybe it was the limitations of her Wal-Mart webcam… but look in her eyes and tell me they aren’t pitch black like that of a shark. We cannot understand her soul. We see only darkness.
INTERNET PEOPLE: The UFO Guy
“I’m always hallucinating”
Of all the people at Chicago O’Hare airport, the news reporter picked this dude… A rambling Texas stoner with a UFO obsession. In just over a minute he mentions alien graves, Jesus, restrooms, and the amazing revelation that space beings could be made of water.
INTERNET PEOPLE: Precious Taft
“If the sun existed now, I swear…I’d bash his brains against the goddamned radiator!”
She’s not an all-star Internet Person like Tay Zonday or Star Wars Kid, but Precious Taft has a growing cult following. Not bad for an unknown actress with only a 1 minute long Youtube clip on her resume. Her bizarre monologue comes from a 1983 cable-access program called “Stairway to Stardom”.
Well, it took her 25 years, but she finally got her stardom, albeit a weird one. That was beautiful, Precious.
INTERNET PEOPLE: Charlie Bit Me
Imagine if some slightly embarrassing, but more or less inconsequential, moment of your early childhood was immortalized on film and then watched by over 95 MILLION PEOPLE. That is “Charlie Bit Me”. These British lads will someday grow to be old men, but baby Charlie will forever be biting his brother’s finger on Youtube.
