kelv
The Meth Minute 39
Nite Fite
Other Videos
Stuff
Hiszn é Cyaertuun Karykt’rr: Czrlaa’ny! myn de pyploosz Kelv vyca s gjiogr’yfika metümn. E muyl hyab’rd wt prszn. Fyaln’jlaak!
THE KELV ENTHUSIAST: Castle Ckkegätk’tga
This lavish palace is one of Kelv’s many architectural treasures from it’s brief wealthy era in the early-17th century. It was designed by the tyrannical Duke Ckkegarsz IV in less than 18 minutes during a blind drunken rage. None of his advisors had the courage to suggest using right angles and parallel lines for the structure. And so, it was built exactly as he drew it and began to collapse within hours of it’s construction. It crumbles to this day in a blasted heath on the outskirts of Bladovak.
Another sketch from my trip to Kelv.
Dawn in the city of Bal’dôvgya
Finally back from a wild adventure in Eastern Europe and the UK. It was a business trip-friends visit-research mission-publicity tour-vacation-spirit quest that I will not soon forget. Lots of sketches, stories, and photos to come on the blog.
Regular readers are somewhat familiar with Kelv, a fictional country I often write about. Well, I went traveling around the strange outskirts of Eastern Europe for over a week gathering material for a book on Kelv that is in the works. Some of the things I saw you will not believe, but I can assure you it’s (basically) completely true.
THE CHRONICLES OF KELV: Vadok
In the early 1930’s, a ruthless maniac who called himself Vadok Kaloxzuun rose to prominence in Kelv. He claimed to posses the re-birthed spirit of ancient tyrant Kalox inside him. So insanely terrifying were his speeches that within five years he had become the undisputed ruler of Kelv. These diatrabes consisted mostly of him screaming at the top of lungs for hours. His political platform was based on Pure Evil. Human sacrifices, destruction of non-belivers, etc. Fortunately for the world, his reign lasted less than a decade.
The Meth Minute 39 Thousand
This week we look deep into the future at the (hypothetical) continuation of the Meth Minute series… What animated adventures are (probably not) going to happen in the next 75 years of weekly cartoons? The possibilities are endless (and unlikely to ever happen).
THE CHRONICLES OF KELV: “Pink Dust”
In the late 90’s, there was a Hollywood movie produced about Kelv. It fictionalized real events that occurred during a brief uprising against the Perpendikulon government in 1965. Although it featured some well-known actors, this movie was never released in theaters and has been seen by very few. The studio made many poor decisions with the script and the production was small and uninspired. I think you may be able to find a used VHS copy on Ebay.
See a larger version here.
THE CHRONICLES OF KELV: “The Laszlo Project”
What is the Laszlo Project? No one quite knows the real story, as the facts have been tainted by over 40 years of rumor, propaganda, and government cover-up.
But we are sure that in involves this much: a political uprising, a teenage technological prodigy, and the power of rock and roll music. Beyond that, it’s just popular mythology, so take everything you hear with a grain of salt.
THE CHRONICLES OF KELV: Alcohol
The Kelvic people love alcohol. But you wouldn’t want to party with them. When I was backpacking there a few years ago, I found the taverns to be somber… with the threat of violence threatening to break out at any moment. The jukeboxes are stocked only with awful Euro-techno or traditional folk ballads.
The best selling beer is Métesznech, which has a sour tinge and is both flat and foamy. Yet it’s so popular that you often see children drinking it on the way to school in the morning. I brought this coaster home as a souvenir. I think the woman on it was Kelv’s Miss Universe contestant from a few years back.
A postcard I received from my cousin in Kelv.
I’m not sure, but I think that building is the Naazcîon Minëckta ê Jus’teszen.
(click here to see larger version of map)
FACTS ABOUT THE NATION OF KELV
Capital (and largest city): Bladovak
Official Language: Kelvic
Government: Warlord Democracy
Population: 4,563,112
Religions: Kelvic Orthodox 70%, Vlach 16%, Brogosziin 9%, Muslim 5%, Jew 2%
National Anthem: “Kelv, Kaar Ve Naccm” (Kelv, You Are The Night)
Currency: Fech
National Holidays: St. Draku’s Day (Feb 9), Gorvanc Rem (Nov 14)
Agriculture: High-fructose corn syrup, onions, pig’s milk, radishes, gekh
Industries: glue, daggers, bleach
Current Environmental Issues: petrification, spirit attacks, earth shiver
THE CHRONICLES OF KELV: Archie Bunker Vs. Kelvics
The final season of “All in the Family” featured an episode in which Archie Bunker was confronted by a immigrant from Kelv named Fandor. The man’s bigotry so surpassed Archie’s own, that Archie was rattled into a rare moment of personal introspection.
This episode aired the same evening as an important playoff game between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys, and as a result was seen by very few people. Barely anyone was watching “All In The Family” by 1978 anyway.
The writers had run out of ethnic groups for Archie Bunker to interact with and had to resort to the obscure Kelvic minority. It was an accurate portrayal, however, since Queens, NY does have the largest population of Kelvics and they are in fact bigots.
THE CHRONICLES OF KELV: Kelvic Heraldry.
Here we have the official crest of Kelv and the national flag. The crest features many symbols from Kelv’s tragic history including: The Fang-Sword of Slor, The Skull of Baldov, The Brogosz, and of course, two-headed chickens.
The flag’s pattern is meant to symbolize the gray of Kelv’s sky, the brown of it’s dirt, and a bloody sword slicing the two in half.
THE CHRONICLES OF KELV: Cooper
Kelv was visited by the forgotten dog-faced American novelist Cooper on two occasions.
The first time was when he fought on the frontlines of World War II. He was just a young private in a combat platoon that helped liberate Kelv from Vadok Kaloxzuun’s fascist regime. That was 1948.
Cooper didn’t return for almost 30 years. By 1975, he was riding high on the success of his third book, “The Divided Self” and he was invited to lecture at University of Bladovak. He told the audience that their city was “a living, breathing goiter carved out of strident piss-tinted hardscrabble; a hell for those who deserved it. This is the last place for humanity to be laughingly cruel and it always will be.”
Not surprisingly, he was never asked to return.
